


Stained (graphite, blood and also memories)

by intheKnickoftime



Series: Amends [2]
Category: Purple Hyacinth (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M, Kieran is sad and angry and sad, WHO CAN SAY FOR SURE, also introspection and sketching ahoy!, also self-loathing ahoy, some good ol' angst, the road to reconciliation will be rough but it's coming, they're sorting through feelings but wILL THEY EVER ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT IT?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24266569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intheKnickoftime/pseuds/intheKnickoftime
Summary: Between the drawings, his bloodstained hands scratched words, beginnings and fragments of apology that he was sure would never truly leave his mouth, that she would never stop to listen to even if he did utter them.It was better this way, he told himself.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White
Series: Amends [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1746760
Comments: 15
Kudos: 113





	Stained (graphite, blood and also memories)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece/follow-up to my work Bruised. I did not at first intend to write a sequel, but here we are.

_Snap._

Kieran’s pencil tip had broken. He let out a small growl of frustration, bringing his hands up to card through his hair, and leaned back in his chair. One hand moved to shield his face from the sun streaming through his apartment window. The light of the sunset seemed too bright and fiery, sparking in his eyes and at odds with his melancholy mood. It crept across his floor and onto the paper in his lap, bringing his sketches into light. 

He gazed upon the pages he’d filled in his flurry of sketching. They were strewn across his couch and carpet like the petals of some faded flower, sketches of passersby and city skylines and shadowed alleys and-

Kieran sighed, glancing down at the last paper, the one in his lap.

-and Lauren, little sketches of her, over and over again. Rolling her eyes out of the page at him. Tired and poring intently over their files, hair falling out of a bun and into her face. That barest of smiles she’d given him at his pledge to find Harvey’s killer. These were drawn in a gentle hand, soft lines and shading and clinging memories of their tentative trust.

_Nice try, subordinate._

_Thank you. I owe you my life._

_I sure hope he is a fine dancer._

And then the last one, the one he’d broken his pencil on. Rendered in sharp, almost _angry_ lines was her face as it had been that day in the cave- shouting, enraged, streaked with rain.

_How can you even bear to_ **_live_ ** _with yourself with so much blood on your hands?_

_Hell, what am I even_ **_doing_ ** _with you?_

_We have nothing more to say to each other._

The memory of their spar that day flashed bright in his mind, accompanied swiftly by waves of others. Her pinning him in the gym, him pinning her in the cave. His knife at her throat and her gun at his temple, at odds as they had always been. Deep down, both of them had known that their partnership could never have lasted. Kieran _knew_ it, and yet-

-the other memories lingered: of stitching her up, of carrying her, of racing across rooftops in the night, of dancing while scouting for Anslow. The sincerity in her voice as she’d thanked him for saving her life.

Some part of him had hoped that by drawing her, drawing out all the facets of her he’d known during their time as Lune, he’d be able to forget it. That he’d be able to well and truly let their partnership die as she evidently wanted it to, and go back to the way things had been. That he could pour those memories onto paper and lock them there, to be crumpled and put away.

Before Lauren. After Lauren. It sounded and felt like a changing of epochs, like a sort of bookmark in history. And it was- for at least this one man who was also a monster, broken and bloodied.

It hadn’t worked. He glanced down at his sketches again. Though done in gray pencil, he almost thought he could see the sparking (pensive, he thought, allowing himself the smallest of smiles) gold of her eyes. Or maybe that was just the sun streaming through his windows.

Either way, he had found he was unable to forget her.

Nor was he able to forget what he had _done_ to her. Kieran cast his papers aside to join the others scattered on the floor, his mind turning next to thoughts of dark dripping stone around them and his fingers at her neck and her coughing as he turned his back-

Both of his hands had moved to cover his face, now.

He hated this.

He hated that he’d ever begun to enjoy her company. It was supposed to be business, their arrangement as Lune. 

He hated what he had done to destroy that tentative trust- and that, despite _knowing_ how angry she was at him and _knowing_ it was warranted, the fact of her rage still stung.

He hated himself for missing her. For hurting her. For trusting her to begin with.

How was a monster supposed to make amends? How could a bloodstained apology or tainted promise from him fix anything?

Kieran took up another paper and a fresh pencil and began to sketch once more, brow furrowed and mouth downturned.

He was drawing Lauren again- but also himself. Them- _Lune._ Silhouettes leaping over rooftops. A bloody handshake. Standing back to back in twinned coats, masks and top hats and shaded faces, two halves of a whole. Facing each other, pistol and blade drawn, at each other's throats and yet _needing_ each other.

And between the drawings, his bloodstained hands scratched words, beginnings and fragments of apology that he was sure would never truly leave his mouth, that she would never stop to listen to even if he did utter them.

It was better this way, he told himself.

It was only right for a monster to be alone.

**Author's Note:**

> A touch shorter than my other works, but I did enjoy writing this one.  
> Not much to say because I currently have 2am brain at the time of posting this, but.
> 
> I don't think Kieran would/will be... *only* sad after all these events. As we saw there is definitely some anger there as well, but I am a simple human who wanted to capitalize on the Sad for this piece. Perhaps another bit in which Kieran is angry is in order. hmmm-
> 
> Comments and kudos are day-brighteners. Seriously. You don't know how much they make me smile.


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